#1 Mom

Let me just paint a picture of the past 4 nights:
Night 1: Max was up fussing every 2 hours
Night 2: He went to bed at 11 p.m., woke up at 1:15 a.m. and thought it was party time until 6 a.m.
Night 3: A better night, he only woke up once but I slept terribly because our bedroom morphed itself into the Sahara desert and I kept waking up sweaty.
Night 4: Fell asleep at 10:30 p.m., woke up at 12:30 a.m. and proceeded to wake up approximately every 30 min or so until 5:30 a.m. fussing because he lost his paci and wanted me to hold the paci in his mouth and also hold his hand (have I mentioned that he is a TOTAL mama's boy?)

Sweet, right? Yes, in hindsight it was sweet. And I probably would've thought so at the time if I wasn't so exhausted to the point of serious frustration. At 5:30 this morning, I am rocking Max and feeding him a bottle.. on the verge of tears from pure exhaustion when hubby comes into the room to tell us goodbye before he leaves for work. He kisses Max and says "I think mommy's mad at you right now". Max grins. Mike laughs. I sigh and shake my head. Mike kisses me on the forehead and says, "you're a good mom, babe". "Yeah well I don't feel like I am right now," I say. "Aw, is it because you feel like he hates you because he won't sleep?" Mike asks. Um, no, that wasn't my thought actually but thank you for that. "I meant because I'm frustrated," I tell him. "Oh. Well try to take advantage of his nap today & get some sleep," he tells me. Ugh. "I CAN'T. They are coming to look at the heater today" (remember Sahara desert) "Plus I need to do laundry and clean and...." my voice trails off. Ugh. I am even more exhausted just thinking about what all I have to get done. Plus Max hasn't been napping well, what makes husband think that he'll start today? "Ok well just try. Bye, love you." And husband escapes to work. Max falls asleep and I go back to bed. Go figure I lay in bed thinking instead of sleeping. I peek over at Max in his pack n play next to my bed (where yes, he still sleeps after 4.5 months. That $500 crib?? It's currently more of a laundry basket, but that's besides the point) He is snoozing away making sweet little sounds as he dreams. I feel guilty. I was mad at him. I was frustrated and irritated with him for not sleeping. Bad mommy. I pat his belly and whisper "I'm sorry". Bad mommy?

I have always wanted to be a mom. I'm going to be the best mom ever, I thought. I will do this and that, I'll NEVER do this or that. I'll always be patient, I'll always... blah, blah blah. It's true, everyone is the perfect parent until they actually become a parent. You judge actual parents for doing or not doing what you claim you would do in a given situation. I am ashamed to say that I did too. I judged that mom in the grocery store with the screaming infant. Geez lady, control your child. My kid will NEVER do that in public. (C'mon admit you've had the same thought) While the mother may be to blame for having an unruly terror of a 5 year old, she is in no way to blame for the way her baby behaves. Babies do what they want when they want. (Think: honey badger. Same goes for baby.) She is not a bad mom. And neither are you. Babies scream. Babies don't sleep. Mommies are tired. Mommies get frustrated. Baby is not a bad baby. He is simply a baby. And that's what babies do. You are not a bad mom. You are a normal human being that gets tired and irritable because you are tired. It's okay. Breathe in, breathe out. Look at your sweet baby and be thankful that he is healthy and happy. Suddenly that sleep no longer matters. And the next time I see that woman in the grocery store with the screaming baby... I'm going to give her the 2 things that she needs: 1. A knowing (not judging) smile and 2. A hug.... In the hope of reassuring her that she's doing just fine. Because I too have been that mom. In Walmart. With the screamer. From the time we hit the door, until check out. Talk about eating your words.