Let it go

I stopped caring what kind of mother other people think that I am.

It's taken me a couple of years to be able to say that. The only people's opinions that I care about on that matter are my husband's and the two little boys that call me mommy. Other than that, I really and truly do not care.

I used to care. I used to care a lot. 

When I first had Max, I didn't have many mommy friends. I had him at age 24 which is pretty young and so the majority of my friends were just beginning their careers and weren't yet mothers. I became involved with mommy groups. Online and in playdate form in person. While it was wonderful to be able to ask questions and have people to relate to, it was also then that I was introduced to the horrible and disgusting world of mommy wars. If you don't have kids, you're probably unaware that it even exists and I wish that it didn't. Some mothers (not all, because there are truly some amazing mommy friends out there) but some mothers, think that they are superior to all others and they have no problem judging anyone and everyone around them. I've been guilty of it to an extent and I'm ashamed of that. It's one thing to speak up if and when a child is in danger, it's a totally different story to constantly belittle another parent over their choices.

"Max didn't sleep at all last night! I'm going to need a venti latte today!" That was a status that I wrote on Facebook once. To which I had someone comment "well you know that if you're breastfeeding, that venti latte isn't going to help him sleep". Umm.... what??!? She was promptly deleted. First of all, stop being a know it all. Second of all, I love coffee and I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. Laters, baby.

"Mike and I actually went on a date last weekend!" To which I had someone reply, "My husband and I haven't been on a date since ___ was born. I've never left ___ with a sitter." Oh. Okay then. Maybe she didn't mean it and maybe it was just me being sensitive but I felt as if I was being judged for a much needed 2 hour date with my husband. Is she a better mother than I am because she's never ever been away from her child?? That is actually what I thought. And by the way, the answer is no. 

"You're leaving overnight? How are you able to get away when you're breastfeeding?" Again, maybe it's me being hypersensitive to the subject, but I always feel like this is a passive aggressive question. Here's the answer: a breast pump and a great mother/mother-in-law who jump at the chance to watch my boys. Grandmas are THE BEST!!!!!

Due to comments like these and probably my own insecurities, I thought that I needed to spend 24/7 with Max to prove that I am a good mother. On the rare occasion that I left the house when he was little, I felt immediate guilt. I almost could not enjoy my "break" for fear of judgment from others. Social media doesn't help. We are all so connected to each other that we pretty much know the other person's every move. Every date night, vacation, weekend getaway is documented, shared, and left open for other people to judge. She's out to dinner with her friends again. Where are her kids?! Wow, must be nice to get away for a whole weekend with no responsibilities. Is that a glass of wine I see??? This is what happens.

Now, I know I'm going to have to clarify this: if you have children and you are going out every night, you need to reevaluate your priorities. This isn't me judging you, trust me, I get it. You need a break. BUT do so in moderation. Extremism in any form is never good. A break is good, and often necessary! For me, it's necessary. I'm home with my boys every single day. I love them more than life itself, but some days things get a little hairy and MOMMA NEEDS TO GET OUT. That is me being 100% honest. If you honestly do not feel the same way, that's totally fine. To each their own. But know that you are allowed to feel that way and you shouldn't feel bad about it!!! You aren't a bad mother for sometimes saying "the kids are driving me bonkers today and I need to lock myself in a dark quiet room with no one touching me for 10 minutes in order to keep my sanity". That's hypothetical of course ;-) 

We are always going to be judged by others. It's just human nature. What I want my fellow mommas to know is this: you don't have to constantly explain/justify yourself/your parenting choices. You don't have to post a picture of your 2 year old eating pizza for breakfast and then write a paragraph explaining why you allowed him to do so. Rock on with your bad self. I wish I was eating pizza for breakfast! 

Since I let it go (let it goooo), I am much more confident in my parenting choices. I've been raising babies for 4 years (yes, Max is turning 4 in a few weeks and I'm just as shocked as you are) and they have been my whole life. However, I have recently realized that for my own self fulfillment/happiness, I'm going back to school. I'm going to finish my bachelor's degree. Finally! Up until this point, I didn't think it was possible to do so because remember, I was in the mindset that my kids should be my whole world. It's taken a few years but I've realized that I can have it all. I can be a great mother and still do things for myself. I can do it and so can you. Xo.

Never Say Never

Things I said I'd never do but I actually do do or have done. Is anyone else smiling because the previous sentence included "do do" or is that just me? You can tell that I am around boys 24/7 and especially a 3.5 year old who thinks that talking about poop and toots is hilarious. The other day I found myself teasing him about eating poop ice cream. Yes, I did that. It's who I am now. And now I've gotten off subject. ANYWAY, back to the point of this post. We all do it. We all say or have said "when I have kids I'll never ___" (fill in the blank). There are so many times that I've eaten my words since becoming a parent but I've made a small list of the ones that stick out to me the most. 

1. Yell. I really hate this one. I mean, I don't scream at my kid all day or anything but I do yell... And probably more often than I'd like to admit. I said I wouldn't do it. I said I would always speak calmly to my kids but let me just tell you that when I have told Max to do something 15x and he is just blatantly not listening to me... There it goes. I'm mad and frustrated and my calm voice is nowhere to be found. It's something that I need to work on because I don't want to yell but somedays, there is no getting away from it. Especially when it's been a rough one and he's not listening and he's throwing tantrums and stomping around... It's like, what do you do???? You yell. And then everyone is mad and upset and I just want to call a re-do on the entire day. That happens. This is reality.

2. Make multiple dinners. When I was growing up, my mom cooked dinner every night. We ate what she cooked. There was no "I don't like lasagna! I want chicken nuggets!" We ate the lasagna and that was that. I WISH I could get Max to eat what I cook. The only meal that I cook that he will eat is spaghetti. That's it. When he was younger he would eat anything I put in front of him. Broccoli? Yep! Peas? You bet! The kid ate anything. It got worse when he turned 2 and even worse than that in the last 6 months after turning 3. All of the sudden it's "I don't like mac n cheese", "I don't like scrambled eggs", etc. Since when does he not like something that he ate the week before??? I can't force feed him (unfortunately) and I don't want him to just not eat.. Because his stubborn self would just NOT EAT. So, I cook dinner for Mike & I and then I make Max chicken nuggets, or a grilled cheese, or his beloved PB&J sandwich. Maybe that's wrong, I don't know. But he eats that stuff without a fuss and we all go about our evening. 

3. Pajamas all day. This is pretty self explanatory but, I'll elaborate a tad. Obviously I told myself that my kids will be dressed everyday. And not in what they slept in the night before. Well, there are A LOT of days that doesn't happen. Most days we are just hanging at home so pajamas it is! I do bathe them and change them into NEW pajamas at night but, Max just LOVES pajamas. PJ's 4 Lyfe. 

4. Spank in public. My anti-spanking friends/readers may just want to skip on down to #5. I'm not against spanking, I just said I wouldn't do it in a public place. If something happened that constituted a swat, I would take them into the bathroom or out to the car or something. Never would I EVER swat my child's behind in the aisle at Target. Well, I did. After one of the most epic meltdowns of his life which included kicking, screaming, tears, and eventually chucking the $5 Paw Patrol car that I had originally told him we could buy down the aisle.... It happened. I got him out of the cart, gave him a swat, put him back in, and made my way to the check out.... Gathering the stares of those who I passed. He was still melting down in the checkout but I was not going to leave without buying what I needed to. The teenage cashier stared at us all wide eyed and I could see that she was thinking "control your kid, lady" because that's what my teenage self would also have been thinking. I'm throwing my items onto the belt trying to hurry and force a smile when Finn, who had been asleep in the cart prior to this also started crying. It was one of those disastrous moments where you realize that you have become what you said you wouldn't: the lady with the makeup-less face and sweatpants with the two screaming kids in Target. I could do one of two things: I could cry along with them or I could pretend that I wasn't fazed by it. I chose the latter. I paid, smiled, thanked her, put on my sunglasses so that I didn't have to make eye contact with anyone else, and pushed my howling kids out the door. Again, this is reality.

5. Character tees. I had high hopes for my kids' wardrobes. I dreamed of layers and beanies and v-neck sweaters and button downs and all of those adorable outfits that make little boys look like tiny men. I mean how CUTE are they?! I'll tell you when those types of outfits happen around here: never or on a very special occasion, but usually never.  As previously stated in #3, Max LOVES pajamas. If he has to wear something besides his undies, he prefers pajamas. If he has to wear something besides his pajamas, he prefers sweatpants (who could blame him?) and a character tee. Ninja turtles, Superman, Batman, whatever. If it's got a character on it, that's what he wants to wear. Especially now that he has an opinion on what he wears (yes, this happens early). I always disliked character t-shirts. They aren't nearly as adorable as the striped v-neck that I had in mind but they are what he loves and so I have grown to accept them. I would prefer that he didn't wear them every time we go somewhere so sometimes I blow right past them as he watches me sort through his clothes for what to wear. If he spots that captain America shirt, there will be no getting around it. Sometimes I win but usually he asks for one of his character shirts and so that's what he wears more often than not. He also adores his Batman Crocs and he can't figure out why he can't wear them every single day. Kids just LOVE clothes with their fav characters on them and we have to pick our battles. The superheroes always win. 

So, yes, I do things I said I'd never do. Fellow parents: we can all just eat our words together. Humble pie, anyone??